Wednesday, July 24, 2013

I didn't cry...

Today a series of lovely things happened.  As I was leaving work, the first person I wanted to call and talk to was Angie.  She was my "person".  The one I called and told all the mundane things that made up life.  I told her the happy and the sad, the extraordinary and the common.  Today I had so much to tell her.  I want to tell her how much Adam is enjoying the mission trip.  I want to tell her that today my body felt good after several days of feeling rotten.  I want to tell her that I'm about to spend some quality AND quantity time with my Bochnak kiddos. My heart still wants to go on sharing things with her. 

But she is not here.  

The thing is... it's been 5 months, 20 days and almost 13 hours since she went rest with Jesus. I have felt each and every second of each and every lonely day since she left. The Angie size hole in my life and heart will never be filled. 

But today, when I realized AGAIN that I couldn't talk to her...I didn't cry.  I think that is progress.  

I've done quite a bit of reading on grief and have been blessed with several people who have given me some very helpful books on grief.  I've been very open with all my doctors (I have a bunch due to having Dyautonomia).  The funny thing is that the people who know about this ugly grief stuff all tell me that everything I have felt and am feeling is very normal.  But some people have wished to rush me through this grief cycle.  I'm not sure if it's because they are uncomfortable with me being sad, or if they are just judgement, mean or what.  But I do know that trying to PUSH someone through grief is not helpful or healthy.  It's much better to gently walk with someone through grief and just be there if needed. 

I like the picture on this post because it shows that grief is a series of ups, downs and loops.  It's not a step by step process.  It's a journey. It's a journey I'm on.  It's a journey many people I love are on but each much take their own path to healing.  That's hard to realize and accept.  

Right now I'm going to celebrate the fact that I didn't cry.  I might cry later today, but for now I'm not.  

I still miss my friend and always will.  That doesn't make me crazy, slow in the process or whatever....It just makes ME without HER.  

I'm getting better. 




Wednesday, July 17, 2013

"A Life Well Lived Is A Sacred Echo"

The blue angel came and visited with me again in my dreams.  While at the beach with my family a few weeks ago, I slept hard.  I mean really, really hard.  Like, not move a muscle all night, blanket marks on my face every single morning hard.  On the 3rd night of our trip, I had a dream.  I heard the blue angel speaking to me in the dream and I remember saying "What?" to her.  

When we woke the next morning, I rolled over and said to John, "Remember this for me "A life well lived is a sacred echo."  You know how you dream something and after just a few minutes of being awake you forget it?  I've learned that I need to tell John important dreams so he can help me remember.  After I shared this sentence with him, he said "Wow.  That is deep on many, many levels."  And  he was right.

Since that dream, I've rolled this sentence around and around and around in my head.  We even googled it to make sure I hadn't read it somewhere before.  Nadda.  Nothing. Didn't come up with anything on my google search. I've heard the words "sacred echo" before, but never in this context. 

I shared it with Adam and Bekah and their response was the same as John's.  "Wow.  That is deep."  So we've all been rolling it around, trying to figure it out.  

We were in North Carolina, where Mr. Smith grew up.  29 of our family was there.  Mr. Smith passed away 3 years ago.  So in a sense, our trip was an echo of his "life well lived".  We were there doing the things he taught us to love, visiting the people he loved, eating the foods he loved, breathing the same salty North Carolina coastal air he loved and passing this love onto the next generation of Smiths.  His well lived life was a lovely sacred echo all around us.  

I thought of Angie.  I get very frustrated because my memories of her still hurt my heart. I miss her so much that it makes my heart break every time I am reminded of her....which is about a hundred times a day.  The memories remind me that she is not here, even though I still can't believe it.  Our lives were so wrapped around each other that she is everywhere and in every thing.  Her life, her well lived life, continues to echo all throughout my day.  

I think of Jesus.  After, 2,000 His life's echo is still changing lives.  If ever there was a "life well lived" it was His.  I think of my grandparents, who's lives still echo throughout my life and even in how I look and the way I react to things. 

I think of my distant ancestry.  People I never met, yet their lives are connected to me and echoed in my expressions, my hair color, my love for Ireland and Scotland, my faith.....echo, echo, echo.  

I'm not at all sure what God intends for me to do with this wee, yet powerful sentence.  But I do know He intends for me to do something with it.  I'm waiting on His lead.

So here's a challenge.  What is your life echoing?  Is your life "a life well lived?"  Will your life leave a "sacred echo" or just a dull thump?  

Wow.  That's deep huh?  




Thursday, July 11, 2013

Random Off the Wall Facts About Me

1.  One of my first memories as a child is being lost outside of some condos in Panama City Beach, Florida.  As you can see they eventually found me, or perhaps I found them.  I think perhaps they were TRYING to lose me, but I was smarter than them.  (Yes, I'm speaking to you David, Wanda, Martha, Richard and Jenny)

2.  When I was a kid the thing I missed most about our house in Decatur was the carport. We used to pour water on it with dish washing detergent and have the red neck version of a slip and slide. The tricky part was that we lived very close to the street.  So you had to be careful when sliding or the game could be over quickly and we'd all be going to that pesky hospital.

4. The best part of moving to Athens was moving next door my aunt, uncle and their 4 kids.  It was an only child palooza!  

5.  Best sound I ever heard was John David belly laugh for the first time.  

6.  When I was growing up I was a religious snob.  Not proud of it, but true fact none the less.

7.  When I became an adult I shifted into political snobbery.  I still hold the same actual political beliefs, but I don't feel snobbish about it.  Here's a weird thought....You can have opinions without beating people over the head with them.  I know!  Amazing stuff huh?  Only took 46 or so years and being ashamed of who I was becoming to figure it out.  I never said I was a quick learner. 

8.  Best trip of my life?  Ireland.  Why?  I had always wanted to go and my 3 favorite lads were with me...without cells phones!  It was awesome!

9.  Worst day of my life?  When I let it sink in that she really wasn't coming back.  That death really means gone.  Forever.  

10.  Strangest turn of events?  Realizing I have a calling to spend time with Catholic nuns.  Huh?  W-WHAT?  God, you know I'm "Church of Christ" girl right? 

11.  Weirdest spiritual change...lately?  Realizing wordy isn't for me anymore where prayer is concerned.  I used to could pray for hours and me do ALL the talking.  (Who in the crap did I think I was?)  Now, after a hefty dose of spiritual humble pie and a few spiritual kicks in the boooo-tay, bevity of words is much better suited to my life.  I now choose to be quiet and listen most of the time where my heavenly Father is concerned.  He is a much better talker than me. (Although I do wish He would speak a little LOUDER.  But who am I to tell Him anything about volume?) I can still pray for hours, but now use my time listening to Him instead!  Fancy that. 

12.  If given the chance, I believe I could live alone and never speak a word out loud as long as I have a keyboard to tap on :) 

13.  Biggest shock of my life?  When they let us leave the hospital with John David in the car seat WITH NO SUPERVISION.  Seriously, they let us, two green as grass nincompoops, come home with that wee boy all by ourselves.  On a brighter note, he survived.  

15.  Thing I miss eating the most?  Seafood.  (Developed a late in life food allergy after also developing Dysautonomia)  I remember vividly what a crab burger from the Provision Co. tastes like.  Sigh...

16.  Completely weird fact most people don't know about me, but will now...I love watching those ghost hunter type shows.  Not because I believe in what they are "so called" seeing, but because they are hilarious!  They don't scare me in the least, but they make me laugh out loud, sometimes really loud.  I'm rattin' Adam out too.  He likes to watch them with me.  We have literally laughed until we cried watching those shows.  

17.  Since we are talking about the supernatural now (I use the term "we" loosely), yes I believe in the supernatural.  I believe in God and He is like, totally, really supernatural, duh.  I believe angels are all around us.  Especially a pretty blue one that comes to visit my dreams now and again.  

18.  My current thoughts on death.  No, I don't like it.  Yes, I know something better awaits, but I still don't like being left behind.  No, I don't believe people become angels.  No, I don't think people are in heaven right now.  Scripture doesn't back that up and I believe scripture.  I do believe that the dead are resting and will awake on that glorious day and it will seem as if no time has passed.  And then....there's gonna be a PARTY!  (insert me dancing around the office as I think of this) 

19.  Best moment of life in the last week?  Adam speaking at church last night and being reminded of the man of God he is becoming.  My heart just nearly squeezes right into pieces.  

20.  Biggest regret so far in life.  Not many really.  But I do regret that I haven't pursued writing more heavily.  YOU may however think I made a good choice after reading these 20 random facts.