The clock is ticking......

I'm literally counting down the days until we hit Celtic soil again.  As with every trip, I always think, "I've never been more ready to get out of here!"   I've been wanting to get away to Ireland and/or Scotland since Angie went to rest in Jesus.  Thanks to my husband, his Marriott points, my friend Tracy and her ability to plan a trip to Iona with grace...we will be going soon. 

We will be there for quite a while.  Almost 3 weeks (Swoon) of my life will be spent in Scotland this year.  We had originally planned a stop over in Ireland, but after the idea for my book took a hold of my heart and brain, it was apparent that we needed to devote to the time in  Scotland.  So  Scotland it is. 

John and I both feel a huge tug for the Celtic lands.  Last night we ran by the grocery to pick up a few things before our movie date and I grabbed some Kerrygold Irish butter.  When I did, he said, "You know I seriously want to live there.  I'm not kidding.  Seriously."  I just laugh.  We both have the dream of one day spending at least part of our retirement years on  Celtic soil.  If it weren't for family, I'd  zip out of here today and never look back.  But, our wee ones and parents make a permanent move difficult. 

Edinburgh Castle

Our plan on this trip is to fly into Edinburgh and spend several days there and going just a bit south in the lowlands to my family's ancestral castle "Dalhousie".  There is also an abbey nearby the castle that has links to Iona.  Coincidence?  No, I think not.  After Edinburgh and surrounding areas, we will meet Tracy and friends in Glasgow as we begin the journey to Iona, island of my heart and soul. 

A week will be spent on the wee island of Iona.  I am particularly drawn to the nunnery, so I plan to take advantage of every waking moment being inspired by the place of my dream, day dreams and writing inspiration.  If my travel companions cannot find me, they will know where to look. 

We will be staying again at the Argyll in the wee, and I do mean wee, village of Bali Moor.  The village consists of two wee hotels, a small general store, a pub (always a pub), a lovely place to eat, a house or two and.....well that's it.  No tellies, no radio, very few cars, quiet...blissful quiet.  The ancient abbey, a few churches, the ancient graveyard, the walk of the dead, Dun-I (the highest point on the island), the north shore, Martyr's Bay......I find myself relaxing even as I type these words. 

After departing Iona, we will say goodbye to our dear friends and continue on to the Highlands.  We will be staying in the Aviemore and  Inverness area.  We will see Loch Ness, Culloden and Ft. William.  John has many places he wants to poke around in.  And then....in much too short of a time, we will have to head back across the Atlantic to the states. 

The world is different for me in Scotland and Ireland.  I feel connected.  More and more here in this life, I feel less and less connected to places and people. I almost feel like the tether that hold me to this earth is letting go.  But there....it is different.  I feel so incredibly close to my ancestors, my God, the Spirit and Jesus.  The land awakens something deep in my soul.  I feel so at peace.  The land soothes my soul and makes me listen with more intention. 

My soul is wounded these days, but healing.  My dearest friend died and it's left a gaping wound.  But God has been faithful to continuously apply His Holy ointment of hope, joy and love on my wounds.  I praise Him for the trip.  I'll even praise Him if for some reason we end up not being able to go, but my prayer is deep that He will allow for this trip to come through as planned....unless of course the trumpet blows and we are all taken up in the air to see our sweet Jesus.  Sigh.

What is it I seek on this trip?  Many things actually.  I seek inspiration for continuing to write my book.  I seek God's voice in the Celtic breezes. I seek His touch in the whisper of seas.  I seek a connection with my past with hopes for it helping me in the future.  I seek renewing my beloved friendships with Tracy, Sara and Ruth.  I want to pray with them again.  I want to stand in Matthew's chapel behind the abbey on Iona and quietly sing praises to God again with them. I want to silently listen to the whisper of time's past in St. Oran's chapel and the nunnery.  O how I long for the nunnery.  THAT fact is so difficult to explain. 

My heart is happiest when there are trips planned in my life.  A friend told me once that I'm a "wandering old soul."  I take that as a compliment of the highest order. 

Sara and Brigid

Kelley on north shore of Iona

I'm writing a novel.  (Feels good to say that.) I've always written, but never considered writing fiction until now.  The idea came into my head and the ideas and words started flowing.  It appears you should never count anything out where God's plan is concerned. 

I've written and been published in the past, but never EVER with fiction.  It's all been with devotional writing and also food writing and photography.  I thought I would eventually publish a cookbook.  I had some strong leads with my cookbook a while back, but they didn't follow all the way through. 

Rejection is the worst part of writing because your words are like your babies.  You carry the words around with you, birth them onto  paper or computer screen and then deliver them to publishers.  Then the publishers can and most likely will reject your precious baby words.  It's heart breaking and so personal.  The publishing industry estimates approximately 90 rejections per acceptance.  Not.good.odds. And yet, I more forward. 

In my novel, the main character's name is Sara.  Why Sarah? I always wanted to name a girl baby Sara, but we never had a baby girl.  Also, one of my dear Iona sister friends is named Sara.  Since the book is set on Iona, Sara seemed a natural fit for her name. 

The secondary character, who recently died and was best friends with Sara, is named Brigid.  Brigid is loosely based on me and Sara is loosely based on Angie.  In this fictional world, Brigid (the Kelley-ish character) died instead of Sara (the Angie-ish character).  Sara, an elementary school teacher, is recently divorced and has 3 grown children.  While the story about Sara and Brigid is not a story of Angie and Kelley, the characters have some of our personality quirks and share the experience of grief.  It's proving to be interesting and therapeutic to consider how Angie might have moved forward in life without me instead of the way it really is. 

Dalhousie Castle, Bonnyrigg, Scotland

This will be a story about deep love, crushing grief and spiritual renewal.  There is a paranormal twist in the book because Sara will eventually cross paths with a 15th century nun named Anastasia.  Ana Ramsey is based on a vision in my head about a girl who could have lived at Dalhousie Castle in Bonnyrigg, Scotland, just south of Edinburgh.  Dalhousie is my family's ancestral castle, complete with the family coat of arms carved in the stones above the door.  In my story, Ana is also facing a mountain of grief and  recently moved to and made her vocation known at the nunnery on Iona. 

Here is an interesting historical fact. Anastasia Ramsey is also the name of a real nun who served and died at the monastery I am an oblate with, Sacred Heart Monastery in Cullman, AL.  The real Anastasia also edited a hymnal while at Sacred Heart. 

I'm mixing fact with fiction, grief and love, heart break with recovery.  God leads the way through it all. 

Iona Nunnery ruins

1 Year Ago

Feb. 3, 2013 was one of the saddest days of my life.  It was the day I watched Angie fade almost away.  On this day one year ago, her sweet spirit was just a wisp. I spent as much time as I could with her on that day. 

I sang with her one last time. 
I kissed her forehead one last time. 
I held her hand one last time.

I knew the time was close, but I still wasn't ready.  We left her house around midnight. 

In the wee hours of the morning on Feb. 4th, my phone rang.  It was Ronnie to tell me she was gone.  At 3:18am on Feb. 4, my friend saw Jesus and went to rest in Him. (Acts 7) 

There is so much I want to say and yet so little that I can say.  My life has been forever changed.  I've had to learn to deal with this big Angie sized hole in my heart.  It's a mean, ugly process that must be dealt with not avoided. It's still a very raw wound, but it is healing. 

I've learned so much about her and about myself in the past 2 years.  We are both stronger than we knew we were.  I think we both loved and depended on each other more than we realized.  We were so incredibly blessed in our friendship. 

I dream about her from time to time and that makes me happy...sometimes.  Sometimes it just flat out breaks my heart because I wake up and have to realize that she is really still gone.  The fact that I dream about her doesn't make me sick, strange or weird.  It makes me a deep friend.  I say this because someone said that if you are dreaming about a loved one then you need to do a better job moving on.  That person has no idea what they are talking about. 

Laughing again was hard.  Feeling joy again was hard.  Moving on was hard.  But in this most terrible of years, I've learned to laugh again with joy and move along.  Not without pain and even some survivor guilt, but I'm doing well.

Feb. 4th has now linked the two girls I most consider my earthly sisters.  My cousin Jane who is like a sister to me was born on Feb. 4.  My best friend Angie who was like a sister to me passed from this life on Feb. 4.  I find that odd and yet fascinating.  God is so perfect that He lined up life in a way that on one special day of the year, I can  rejoice over the relationship I have with these two brilliant, lovely women.  Life came full circle in a sense on Feb. 4.

I've learned that grieving is tough, but God is tougher.  My heart is still broken but it's healing.  Angie's death will forever leave a tender scar on my heart.  I don't think I'll ever get over losing her or get used to it, but I will continue to walk forward in the grace of God. I'm so thankful that God let me have all those years with her by my side. 

Tomorrow I will remember Angie by having lunch with one of our dearest friends, Wendy.  She led me by the hand one year ago this week.  I honestly don't think I could have ever survived it without her.  We are going to visit, laugh and likely cry a wee bit too.  But that's ok.  Crying and being sad is ok. If you are grieving, don't let anyone tell you different. People can be horribly cruel to a grieving heart. 

Tomorrow I will go by myself and lay a new wreath at Angie's grave.  I will raise my voice in prayers of praise to God for allowing me this very rare friendship.  Who am I to have deserved such a gift?  I am no one and fail Him often, yet He still blesses me beyond measure. My heart rejoices even in sadness.

Tomorrow I will also celebrate life.  My precious Jane is alive and well and is an extraordinary mother, daughter, cousin, sister and aunt.  She blesses me so. 

In linking Jane with Angie, I am reminded the importance of remembering and also celebrating. 

I miss you Angie.  Happy Birthday Jane.

(Photo above is of Angie and myself when we were both pregnant for the first time (1991).  We went through pregnancy together and even child birth classes together.  We both had boys who grew up to be besties too. They were born 6 weeks apart.)