I didn't cry...

Today a series of lovely things happened.  As I was leaving work, the first person I wanted to call and talk to was Angie.  She was my "person".  The one I called and told all the mundane things that made up life.  I told her the happy and the sad, the extraordinary and the common.  Today I had so much to tell her.  I want to tell her how much Adam is enjoying the mission trip.  I want to tell her that today my body felt good after several days of feeling rotten.  I want to tell her that I'm about to spend some quality AND quantity time with my Bochnak kiddos. My heart still wants to go on sharing things with her. 

But she is not here.  

The thing is... it's been 5 months, 20 days and almost 13 hours since she went rest with Jesus. I have felt each and every second of each and every lonely day since she left. The Angie size hole in my life and heart will never be filled. 

But today, when I realized AGAIN that I couldn't talk to her...I didn't cry.  I think that is progress.  

I've done quite a bit of reading on grief and have been blessed with several people who have given me some very helpful books on grief.  I've been very open with all my doctors (I have a bunch due to having Dyautonomia).  The funny thing is that the people who know about this ugly grief stuff all tell me that everything I have felt and am feeling is very normal.  But some people have wished to rush me through this grief cycle.  I'm not sure if it's because they are uncomfortable with me being sad, or if they are just judgement, mean or what.  But I do know that trying to PUSH someone through grief is not helpful or healthy.  It's much better to gently walk with someone through grief and just be there if needed. 

I like the picture on this post because it shows that grief is a series of ups, downs and loops.  It's not a step by step process.  It's a journey. It's a journey I'm on.  It's a journey many people I love are on but each much take their own path to healing.  That's hard to realize and accept.  

Right now I'm going to celebrate the fact that I didn't cry.  I might cry later today, but for now I'm not.  

I still miss my friend and always will.  That doesn't make me crazy, slow in the process or whatever....It just makes ME without HER.  

I'm getting better.