1 Year Ago

Feb. 3, 2013 was one of the saddest days of my life.  It was the day I watched Angie fade almost away.  On this day one year ago, her sweet spirit was just a wisp. I spent as much time as I could with her on that day. 

I sang with her one last time. 
I kissed her forehead one last time. 
I held her hand one last time.

I knew the time was close, but I still wasn't ready.  We left her house around midnight. 

In the wee hours of the morning on Feb. 4th, my phone rang.  It was Ronnie to tell me she was gone.  At 3:18am on Feb. 4, my friend saw Jesus and went to rest in Him. (Acts 7) 

There is so much I want to say and yet so little that I can say.  My life has been forever changed.  I've had to learn to deal with this big Angie sized hole in my heart.  It's a mean, ugly process that must be dealt with not avoided. It's still a very raw wound, but it is healing. 

I've learned so much about her and about myself in the past 2 years.  We are both stronger than we knew we were.  I think we both loved and depended on each other more than we realized.  We were so incredibly blessed in our friendship. 

I dream about her from time to time and that makes me happy...sometimes.  Sometimes it just flat out breaks my heart because I wake up and have to realize that she is really still gone.  The fact that I dream about her doesn't make me sick, strange or weird.  It makes me a deep friend.  I say this because someone said that if you are dreaming about a loved one then you need to do a better job moving on.  That person has no idea what they are talking about. 

Laughing again was hard.  Feeling joy again was hard.  Moving on was hard.  But in this most terrible of years, I've learned to laugh again with joy and move along.  Not without pain and even some survivor guilt, but I'm doing well.

Feb. 4th has now linked the two girls I most consider my earthly sisters.  My cousin Jane who is like a sister to me was born on Feb. 4.  My best friend Angie who was like a sister to me passed from this life on Feb. 4.  I find that odd and yet fascinating.  God is so perfect that He lined up life in a way that on one special day of the year, I can  rejoice over the relationship I have with these two brilliant, lovely women.  Life came full circle in a sense on Feb. 4.

I've learned that grieving is tough, but God is tougher.  My heart is still broken but it's healing.  Angie's death will forever leave a tender scar on my heart.  I don't think I'll ever get over losing her or get used to it, but I will continue to walk forward in the grace of God. I'm so thankful that God let me have all those years with her by my side. 

Tomorrow I will remember Angie by having lunch with one of our dearest friends, Wendy.  She led me by the hand one year ago this week.  I honestly don't think I could have ever survived it without her.  We are going to visit, laugh and likely cry a wee bit too.  But that's ok.  Crying and being sad is ok. If you are grieving, don't let anyone tell you different. People can be horribly cruel to a grieving heart. 

Tomorrow I will go by myself and lay a new wreath at Angie's grave.  I will raise my voice in prayers of praise to God for allowing me this very rare friendship.  Who am I to have deserved such a gift?  I am no one and fail Him often, yet He still blesses me beyond measure. My heart rejoices even in sadness.

Tomorrow I will also celebrate life.  My precious Jane is alive and well and is an extraordinary mother, daughter, cousin, sister and aunt.  She blesses me so. 

In linking Jane with Angie, I am reminded the importance of remembering and also celebrating. 

I miss you Angie.  Happy Birthday Jane.

(Photo above is of Angie and myself when we were both pregnant for the first time (1991).  We went through pregnancy together and even child birth classes together.  We both had boys who grew up to be besties too. They were born 6 weeks apart.)