I am not afraid to die.

In May of 2002 John and I went on a cruise to the Bahamas and Key West.  Everything was running smoothly until I ate a conch fritter during dinner and ended up in anaphylactic shock.  It was severe.  In fact, I almost died.  

In the belly of the gigantic ship, I was attended to by the cruise doctor and nurses and they were able to stop the reaction, but it was close.  Very close.  

I learned a lot about myself in those few minutes hovering between life and death.  Standing on the cliff of death, I could see the vastness just beyond the edge.  Confident I was struggling to take in my final breaths, I made a startling realization. I am not afraid to die.  In fact, death seemed a respite from the struggle to receive air.  

I was afraid for John and my boys.  In 2002 my boys were just 7 and 11.  John traveled a great deal for his job as a commercial network engineer.  My ability to work from home had kept our lives grounded while John was away.  All I could think was, "How in the world will John make this work when I die?  What will happen to John and the boys?"  

The quick thinking doctor was able to stop the reaction and I was soon able to breathe again.  I was on antihistamines for quite a while and the rest of the trip was spent in a Benadryl haze with an extremely swollen face and neck.  

Strangely, it was one of the most spiritually rewarding experiences of my life.  I never really knew what I thought about dying until that night in the belly of the ship.  I am not afraid to die, although I will admit I am not so crazy about the pain that is associated with dying.  

In my novel series "Echo in the Veil", I explore death and grief. These are subjects most people don't want to talk about out loud, but do ponder deep within.  Pondering is a lovely way to search out what is in the heart.  Luke 2:19 says,  "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."  

Because of the assurance of my salvation, I did not and do not dread death.  Jesus took away the sting of death for those dying in Him.  However I do dread the grief that comes from losing someone I deeply love.  That side of the sting of death remains and causes a reaction far worse than any anaphylaxis.  

If you knew you were dying today, within the next few minutes, what would you do?  What would you think?  What would you pray? 

Take some time today to ponder your mortality.