My last post was in July. That seems like years ago. I didn't realize it had been that long until this morning. Every time I decided it was time to write something, a little voice said "Not yet."
Because I've become quite fond of listening to that little voice, I said "OK, I'll wait." And so I've waited, waited and waited. God is faithful to provide the guidance we need, if we are willing to listen. At this point in my life, I'm more than willing to listen. I'm starved for whatever He has to say.
This morning I thought about writing a post and I just received a spirit of peace around me. I guess that's my "Go ahead" sign. So here I am, almost 6 months later. Hi y'all!
It's been a rough, long 6 months. Grief is not for sissies. Some days it has felt like the air was literally being sucked out of my lungs. It is physically, emotionally and spiritually bruising. But a wise, grief experienced friend encouraged me to walk through the grief and not try to avoid it. I'm so glad I have listened to her. I allowed my body, mind and spirit to feel the depth of the pain. I owned it and made it mine. As a result, I've been able to "little by little" let it go. And in doing so, the rawness is healing. It's still there, but I've learned where to put the pain and release the ugliness of it.
I've spent a lot of time in the past few months trying to avoid thinking about what is best for others in this process and realize that before I can help someone else, I have to help me. That seems selfish and contradictory to what I've always tried to do. But, consider what they tell you when you are on an airplane. When the oxygen masks are deployed from the ceiling, you are instructed to put yours on first. THEN, you can help others with theirs. It's a gut wrenching lesson. If I'm not well, I can't help others feel well. As a woman and a mother, my natural instinct is to be watchful of others. This time I've had to be watchful of me.
In my journey to focus on my own heart's healing, lots of things have taken place. I've spent more time in prayer and reading the word. I find myself much more quiet on the inside and outside. I watch less and less television. I read more. Things that normally would have been a major focus of life, haven't been.
For instance, football. My team didn't do well this season. That normally would have really gotten stuck in my teeth. This year, I found I went to sleep during a large majority of the games. I didn't feel defeated personally when my team lost. I just felt like my team lost. No big deal.
We had a very upsetting experience within our family and instead of it making me blow up. I was able to rationally, calmly consider the situation and then move forward without losing my mind. For those who know me, that is HUGE.
I didn't decorate a Christmas tree this year. Didn't even put one up. That is also HUGE. I've had up to 12 trees in my house for Christmas. I have been blessed with an enormous ornament collection. This year, along with the fact that my heart was grieving over the 1st Christmas without my friend, I also haven't felt well. I did eventually put up a few decorations to give us a wee bit of Christmas about the house, but I mostly focused on the ADVENT season. Next year I foresee putting all the decorations out again, but for this year, God intended for me to focus just on Him for a season.
I've spent more time at my monastery. In fact in October, I became an oblate of Sacred Heart Monastery. I have learned most people don't know what that is. And some are even a wee bit afraid of it. So, here is my attempt at a Reader's Digest type Explanation.
An oblate is someone who feels a strong calling for prayer. It's not just something they know they should do. Instead it is something they are driven to do. An oblate feels a strong connection to a particular monastery. For me, that monastery is Sacred Heart. I have felt a commitment to prayer that supersedes anything I've felt before. It's kind of like the different levels of a relationship. When you decide to date just one person, you feel a commitment. But if that commitment deepens, you become engaged. If it moves even deeper, you become married. For me, being an oblate feels like the jump between being engaged and being married. I'm far more committed to the scriptures and listening to God than I've ever been in my life. I have much to learn and I'm an eager student.
The sisters at Sacred Heart bring me such joy. I love walking in the door and having them call me by name. It feels like coming home. I love the thought that each and every day I pray for them and they are praying for me. I love that we are all praying at the same time. I love that we are all reading the Psalms and other scriptures on the same schedule. I absolutely adore the sights, smells and environment of peace that the monastery brings me.
I find that I absolutely get hungry for being there. And if something stands in my way and it takes me longer to be able to go there, then my spiritual self begins to starve for it. I know that sounds extreme, but it's so true for me. I have tasted and seen the Lord is good in a beautiful, refreshing way and I want more!
I feel quite certain that God brought me down this path to prepare me for my grief journey. No death has ever affected me like Angie's. I've never lost someone that I've spent so much time with on a moment by moment basis. Our lives were entangled like a creeping vine. We were wrapped up in each others lives on many levels and in many places. So, the loss is deep and wide. I think of going to Target, so I think of her. I think of going to a ballgame, so I think of her. I think of going to the doctor, so I think of her. I see objects she personally bought for me, so I think of her. I sing, so I think of her. I go to the monastery, so I think of her. I go to the grocery store, so I think of her. I purchase really comfy shoes, so I think of her. I find an outfit or recipe that I like, so I think of sharing it with her. I go to a movie, so I think of asking her to go. I go to a great restaurant, so I want to invite her. I desire a girl's day out, so I want to call her. I see two friends laughing together, so I think of her. It's not like I'm reminded of her sometimes....I'm reminded of her 100s of times a day.
God knew my loss would be great. He is greater.
Had it not been the Lord who was on my side, the anger of the enemy would have surely taken me. Please listen to this song. It is me and where I am.
I have much joy to share and write. I hope it will benefit someone. God is good.
