First of all thanks to "Ireland Calling" for the lovely picture to start today's post. Secondly, you pronouce that "slawn-cha". It means "to your health" in Gaelic. Last night at church, one of our ministers asked me "How do you say that word at the end of your signature on texts?" It's "slawn-cha".
Today we celebrate the 26th anniversary of the the day John and I said we do. Amazing. It has been a wild 26 year ride. Ups, downs, some really high ups, some really low downs, but we decided we love God more than each other and that changed our relationship more than anything and here we are. Happy Anniversary John. I love you a bushel and a peck.
I had a tough day yesterday. I had a lot of errands to run to get ready for the upcoming St. Patrick's Day celebration. Planning the annual St. Patrick's Day celebration is so much fun, but of course this year is bittersweet because my favorite girl will not be here as I share my love for the Irish land, people, culture and food.
I found a wee little pot of St. Patrick's Day flowers that I'm going to take to the graveyard. I know it won't mean anything to her. I'm not exactly sure what happens to you when you pass from this life. If I had to guess, she is either busy resting in Jesus or she's organizing something in the great beyond. Regardless, the flowers won't mean anything to her, but they mean something to me. It's my way to keeping her in my favorite day of the year.
My problem is that when I'm running errands, I miss her so bad I can't stand it. In the past year, we've been errand buddies.She was either with me on errands OR I was talking to her on the phone during my errands OR I had a list of things she needed that I was picking up for her. The worst part is riding around in the car. I miss her as my errand day car buddy so deeply I can't explain it. Lots and lots of "car" tears yesterday and I did in fact stop in 3 public bathrooms to cry. The terrible part of the whole crying part is that it is the ugly face cry where you make moans that come from deep in your soul.
Yesterday my friend Paula said "you are trying to figure out where you fit without her." And that is so true. Paula also said she told someone that "Ange understood Kelley better than anyone and Kelley understood Angie better than anyone." That doesn't mean that we always got along and we never fought. I wish that was true, but the truth is that we had knock down drag out fights disagreements :) over the years. But we understood each other enough to shake it off, move on and still love each other. I will admit though that there was a lot of eye rolling involved in the "shake it off, move on and still love each other" part.
Now I shift gears. I am typing this as the television is filled with imagines of Pope Benedict leaving Vatican City. As a non-Catholic girl, it may seem odd to you that there are tears in my eyes. As he left today he said that he now will serve the church in a different way....through prayer, contemplation and meditation.
8 years ago when he took the position as pope, I didn't and still don't know much about this whole "pope" business. When they said he had chosen the name "Benedict" all I could think of was Benedict Arnold, the traitor. So it seemed so strange to me.
Since that time, God has been working on my heart in regards to prayer and my individual worship time. The journey has taken me in a direction I couldn't have anticipated.
My illness brought me to my knees spiritually. I decided to get back to my roots by studying of my family's Celtic history. That led me to a study of Celtic Christianity, which led me to a pilgrimage to Iona. After experiencing quiet prayer in a way I had never experienced before, the scripture "be still and know" took hold of my soul and has not let go.
After prayer in Iona Abbey, Oran's Chapel and other magnificent churches across Scotland and Ireland, I was led to the Sacred Heart Monastery. There the name Benedict took a new meaning to me.
It was at Sacred Heart that I was introduced to a man named Benedict who predates the "Catholic" church. He was a man who thirsted and hungered for Christ's love. He wrote a document which is now known as "The Rule".It wasn't intended as a "rule" but instead as a document that that would help his monastic community live together in Christ's love based on Jesus' teaching.
As I've learned about Benedict, I was also introduced to the Benedictine way of life and prayer. THAT has changed my life. This life of contemplative prayer has brought "be still and know" to life for me.
I know this whole historical event of the Pope resigning is for many reasons known only to God, but it means something personal to me. Through this journey that is still on going, I've learned something about unity and love.
Unity and love are the prevalent words of Jesus. If you only focus on what divides us outside of love we've missed it. Doctrine and law have their place in the dicussion, but only through the filter of unity and love. If we "get" the rest of it but miss out on love....we have lost the beauty of what Christ did for us.
It has been an eventful week. I visited with my endocrinologist. But first I had a visit with my wee sister. Jane is actually my first cousin, but we both grew up as only children and because our moms are sisters, we attached ourselves to one another. She's my cousin, but also my sister. Ya follow?
I met my baby sister Jane (who turned 40 on the day Angie went to rest in the sweet arms of Jesus) and we had lunch, at least I think we did. We talked so much that I really have no idea if we actually consumed food or not. We cried. We were silent. We talked some more. The last time we ate at this particular location, Angie was with us. I was in between doc appointments that day and Angie was my car buddy.
My sweet Jane is grieving over Angie too, but mostly because she has to watch me grieve. She said something last week that will stick with me forever. "The service was beautiful. It was torturously beautiful." I didn't quite understand what she meant until she said "During the service, I could hear you crying and it broke my heart."
There have been two girlies who have always had strings attached to my heart. Angie and Jane. While I don't have physical sisters, Angie and Jane are my heart sisters.
I have this vision of sitting at the service with a heart string attached from me on the pew to Angie in her casket and then another one attached from me on my pew to Jane a few feet away on her pew. I receive joy and love and encouragement from those two like I do from no others. Yes, I am close with others. I LOVE DEEPLY other people, but there is just something about Angie and Jane. It's different. Kind of like you folks who were blessed to have physical sisters....I just got to pick my sisters. And I did a fabulous job I think :) The real punch in the gut is that Angie is gone, like seriously gone from this earth. She has been gone for 22 days now. How can that be? People tell me that the shock will wear off in a few months....I can't imagine that. It still feels like a raw open wound, like a burn, that must be scraped from time to time.
I still get a mailbox full of lovely cards in the mail most every day. It does help knowing that so many of you are praying for us when we don't know how to pray for ourselves. Thank you so much. Truly, thank you.
Totally unrelated, "Brave" won best animated picture at the Oscars Sunday night. I was NOT surprised. I was however surprised that Merida didn't not even get a nomination for Best Actress :) Thanks to Jane and others who sent texts to me after "Brave"'s win. Especially to Barbie who thought I should get some sort of award for public relations.
Cole's baseball season started and it's been a great season so far. UNDEFEATED! Angie's baby boy is rockin' it at the ballpark. So proud of him and for him. But sitting there without her is beyond strange. I have to remind myself every few minutes that she is not sitting beside me on just on her way.
Last night at Cole's ballgame, my friend Kim's sister-in-law gave me a "I'm a prayer warrior for Kim" pink bracelet to wear. Kim is a long time, dear friend and sister-in-law to my friend Patricia, so we are linked in many ways. If you are a friend of mine on facebook, you likely saw some pictures I took of Kim a few weeks ago. Kim is battling breast cancer. She is one chemo treatment away from kicking chemo to the curb. Next up is surgery, then radiation, then surgery again. Kim needs your prayers. She is fighting hard and we need to keep praying for her courage and strength.
John and Ronnie are doing "guy stuff" together. That weirds me out too, not for them, but for me. If John is with Ronnie, I'm supposed to be with Angie.....no words to describe that feeling.
Got a call this morning that one of our cousins, Donna, had a heart attack and had to be shocked back twice. She had a stint put in and is now in ICU in Kentucky. Please pray for Donna and all her immediate family, especially sister Barbie and mom Ann.
Last week at my doctor's appointment, my blood pressure was an issue. It was really high. Doctor concerned about that. Didn't know whether it is Dysautonomia related or part of the stress my body is under right now as we learn to live without my friend. Kind of scared me a wee bit too, but I've been really good about resting, praying and meditating over the past few days. So yesterday, they checked it at my eye doctor appointment and it was.....normal!!! Yip, yip yahoo. The bad news, my reading vision is worse. BUT that means some new glasses! I tried on several pair yesterday that I like and they are also ordering me some snazzy blue ones and green ones to try on, so we shall see. Angie would so NOT like the colored ones.
One other little medical issue, I'll be seeing a new immunologist in May. Hoping to determine the link between my food allergies and Dysautonomia. Please pray about that with me, along with the blood pressure issue.
There are a couple of job opportunities that have opened up. I've done all I can do and now God has to lead me to which ever, if either of them, are for me. Someone asked me why I'm not doing photography full time again. Here is the honest truth. The biggest part of photography is emotional for me. Right now I have enough "emotional" going on. Photography is an extension of who I am and I have no way of removing the emotion of it. That may or may not make sense, but it makes sense to me. Also I need to be forced to be out and about more, not talking about grief, but just living life.
I will however be doing ministry photography from time to time.
And more news.... Adam is being interviewed by the Decatur Daily today for another article. I'll post a link when it's provided. He is also coordinating an event on March 13th at Clements High School called "Courts of Praise-Hope of the World" at 7pm. It features a band and also a speaker from the University of North Alabama. It's sponsored by the FCA club and many have contributed money for the event. Please come out to this night of praise if you can. Bring your family!
In more family news, John and Adam are going on a trip to Guatemala this summer. They are going to be working at a orphanage there. Adam has wanted to go forever and I kept saying no because I didn't want him going to a foreign country without one of us. John said he would go. He also said I couldn't go for 2 reasons. #1 I would be too far from medical help if anaphylaxis hit again. #2 He fears I would come home with a suitcase full of wee orphaned children. Smart man. So if you don't mind, please pray for Adam and John as they prepare for this grand adventure.
This week we will be celebrating 26 years of marriage. Because of the status of life right now, we are going to escape to an Irish community a few hours north of here soon. We plan to soak up some Irish atmosphere until we can get there for real next spring. As you can imagine I'm pumped and ready to go.
And before I stop babbling, let me share something Janice shared with me last Saturday. She was reading a devotional book. The topic was what to say when someone says "How are you?" We normally say things like "Fine" and "OK". The author's suggestion was to say "I'm thankful". Isn't that awesome! Right now, I'm not fine or ok, but I am thankful.
I sure miss my friend.
