January Promises

Christmas celebrations are behind us, which makes me happy and sad all in the same breath.  I absolutely adore when the decorations are in full splendor.  My calendar is full of events to attend and to host.  Advent has filled my heart with expectation.  Most everyone gathers in close to family and friends, appreciating them as they rarely do during other times of the year.  But now we are on to those January resolutions, goals, and promises.  They all seem so lovely and chivalrous.

While cleaning out a basket today, I discovered a journal from 2011.  It had settled down to the bottom of the basket, long forgotten, yet still full of many empty, awaiting pages.  I flipped the journal open to see that on January 1 of the year 2011, I had been resolved to keep a gratitude journal.  The last entry was in March.

I had lofty intentions.  I wish I had kept my promise to continue this practice throughout the year. I was going to need a full strength attitude of gratitude. Little did I know that in December of 2011, after a year battling my own war with Dysautonomia, my best friend of 35+ years would be diagnosed with aggressive Stage C3 ovarian cancer.  We were literally in for the fight of our lives.

I can use my illness as an excuse for not keeping up with the practice.  I could tell you all about how busy I was during that time with my oldest son moving away to college and my youngest son busy in high school.  I could tell you all about how busy I was with a new job.  But the bottom line is that each day I chose not to continue with the practice of daily writing down the things I was grateful for that specific day.  Then after a time of choosing to leave behind the practice, I just simply forgot about it. 

Life is a series of choices.  I will be 50 in March of this year and as I look back, I see all the forks in the road where I had a choice to turn left or right, or even to remain.  As a child of God, I have always wanted to do the right thing, but honestly sometimes I didn't even consult Him when I arrived at the fork in the road, much less when I determined which way to turn.  I made a choice to move forward without Him.

Sometimes I wonder if these were deliberate choices or if I was so caught up in the moment at the fork in the road  I simply forgot to consult the maker of the universe.  (Funny how when you type things out, it sounds so ridiculous.)  Either way it was a choice to forget Him.

Which gets me to the topic of January promises.

I looked back at my calendar for late 2011, 2012 and 35 days into 2013, with the hindsight of Angie's illness and death.  Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have spent much time considering my resolutions. With only one month left with her, I would have been better at living in the moment, not looking forward or backward, just being with her.

January promises/resolutions/ or whatever you call them are important.  But I know that I've been guilty of choosing to focus on the future and not enough focus on the now.  So this year, my resolution, my promise, my goal is to be more present in the moment where I reside, not looking behind or before, just being in the moment.

I wish I had the first 35 days of 2013 to live over.  I'd sure savor the moments more.