Advent, December 10, A Pin Prick of Light.

Consider Psalm 63:1-8 (NASB)

O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly;
My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You,
In a dry and weary land where there is no water.
Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory.
Because Your loving kindness is better than life,
My lips will praise You.
So I will bless You as long as I live;
I will lift up my hands in Your name.
My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness,
And my mouth offers praises with joyful lips.

When I remember You on my bed,
I meditate on You in the night watches

For You have been my help,
And in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy.

My soul clings to You;
Your right hand upholds me.

I read these Psalms for years and never understood them. They seemed far too deep for a simpleton like me.   

Then life took some severe turns in my forties.  My marriage fell apart.  I was diagnosed with an incurable illness.  My best friend of over 30 years was diagnosed with stage 3C ovarian cancer.  Then she died. I had read about "rock bottom."  I thought I knew what it was.  I did not.  

My experience at rock bottom nearly killed me.  Because of the disease I have, stress exacerbates all the symptoms. My heart was broken in so many jagged pieces I feared they would never be gathered together in one place again, much less put back together in their proper order.  My body was (and continues to be) in pain.  I had to close my photography business because my body simply would not cooperate. 

And then there was Angie.  Her illness and death sent me into a deep level of darkness.  Crying was my new normal.  I did not want to celebrate any part of life or holidays.  It seemed disrespectful to dare celebrate when she was gone. I clung to her memory so tight I almost squeezed all the joy out of it.  I was terrified of forgetting her. 

It was at the bottom of this pit I curled into a ball and wished for the end to come.  But one day,  I looked up and saw a small pin prick sized light far in the distance.  All else in my life was dark and sad.  I was not sure what the tiny light was, but it seemed good and right. I would sit and stare toward that tiny light.  Psalms would bubble up to my memory.  Taking out my bible I could relate to the manic nature of David in ways I had never experienced before.  

Each day as I meditated on that small light, it became bigger and the darkness became less frightening.  Instead of solid black, it began to lighten to a shade of gray.  These times of meditation and prayer are what saved me from succumbing to the sadness.  

During the quiet of Advent, look for that light.  No matter what is going on with your personal life or in this chaotic world, focus on the light.  Hold on tight, find comfort in his mighty right hand, and enjoy the shadow of His wings.  

Jesus, come quickly. 

Kelley