It has been an eventful week. I visited with my endocrinologist. But first I had a visit with my wee sister. Jane is actually my first cousin, but we both grew up as only children and because our moms are sisters, we attached ourselves to one another. She's my cousin, but also my sister. Ya follow?
I met my baby sister Jane (who turned 40 on the day Angie went to rest in the sweet arms of Jesus) and we had lunch, at least I think we did. We talked so much that I really have no idea if we actually consumed food or not. We cried. We were silent. We talked some more. The last time we ate at this particular location, Angie was with us. I was in between doc appointments that day and Angie was my car buddy.
My sweet Jane is grieving over Angie too, but mostly because she has to watch me grieve. She said something last week that will stick with me forever. "The service was beautiful. It was torturously beautiful." I didn't quite understand what she meant until she said "During the service, I could hear you crying and it broke my heart."
There have been two girlies who have always had strings attached to my heart. Angie and Jane. While I don't have physical sisters, Angie and Jane are my heart sisters.
I have this vision of sitting at the service with a heart string attached from me on the pew to Angie in her casket and then another one attached from me on my pew to Jane a few feet away on her pew. I receive joy and love and encouragement from those two like I do from no others. Yes, I am close with others. I LOVE DEEPLY other people, but there is just something about Angie and Jane. It's different. Kind of like you folks who were blessed to have physical sisters....I just got to pick my sisters. And I did a fabulous job I think :) The real punch in the gut is that Angie is gone, like seriously gone from this earth. She has been gone for 22 days now. How can that be? People tell me that the shock will wear off in a few months....I can't imagine that. It still feels like a raw open wound, like a burn, that must be scraped from time to time.
I still get a mailbox full of lovely cards in the mail most every day. It does help knowing that so many of you are praying for us when we don't know how to pray for ourselves. Thank you so much. Truly, thank you.
Totally unrelated, "Brave" won best animated picture at the Oscars Sunday night. I was NOT surprised. I was however surprised that Merida didn't not even get a nomination for Best Actress :) Thanks to Jane and others who sent texts to me after "Brave"'s win. Especially to Barbie who thought I should get some sort of award for public relations.
Cole's baseball season started and it's been a great season so far. UNDEFEATED! Angie's baby boy is rockin' it at the ballpark. So proud of him and for him. But sitting there without her is beyond strange. I have to remind myself every few minutes that she is not sitting beside me on just on her way.
Last night at Cole's ballgame, my friend Kim's sister-in-law gave me a "I'm a prayer warrior for Kim" pink bracelet to wear. Kim is a long time, dear friend and sister-in-law to my friend Patricia, so we are linked in many ways. If you are a friend of mine on facebook, you likely saw some pictures I took of Kim a few weeks ago. Kim is battling breast cancer. She is one chemo treatment away from kicking chemo to the curb. Next up is surgery, then radiation, then surgery again. Kim needs your prayers. She is fighting hard and we need to keep praying for her courage and strength.
John and Ronnie are doing "guy stuff" together. That weirds me out too, not for them, but for me. If John is with Ronnie, I'm supposed to be with Angie.....no words to describe that feeling.
Got a call this morning that one of our cousins, Donna, had a heart attack and had to be shocked back twice. She had a stint put in and is now in ICU in Kentucky. Please pray for Donna and all her immediate family, especially sister Barbie and mom Ann.
Last week at my doctor's appointment, my blood pressure was an issue. It was really high. Doctor concerned about that. Didn't know whether it is Dysautonomia related or part of the stress my body is under right now as we learn to live without my friend. Kind of scared me a wee bit too, but I've been really good about resting, praying and meditating over the past few days. So yesterday, they checked it at my eye doctor appointment and it was.....normal!!! Yip, yip yahoo. The bad news, my reading vision is worse. BUT that means some new glasses! I tried on several pair yesterday that I like and they are also ordering me some snazzy blue ones and green ones to try on, so we shall see. Angie would so NOT like the colored ones.
One other little medical issue, I'll be seeing a new immunologist in May. Hoping to determine the link between my food allergies and Dysautonomia. Please pray about that with me, along with the blood pressure issue.
There are a couple of job opportunities that have opened up. I've done all I can do and now God has to lead me to which ever, if either of them, are for me. Someone asked me why I'm not doing photography full time again. Here is the honest truth. The biggest part of photography is emotional for me. Right now I have enough "emotional" going on. Photography is an extension of who I am and I have no way of removing the emotion of it. That may or may not make sense, but it makes sense to me. Also I need to be forced to be out and about more, not talking about grief, but just living life.
I will however be doing ministry photography from time to time.
And more news.... Adam is being interviewed by the Decatur Daily today for another article. I'll post a link when it's provided. He is also coordinating an event on March 13th at Clements High School called "Courts of Praise-Hope of the World" at 7pm. It features a band and also a speaker from the University of North Alabama. It's sponsored by the FCA club and many have contributed money for the event. Please come out to this night of praise if you can. Bring your family!
In more family news, John and Adam are going on a trip to Guatemala this summer. They are going to be working at a orphanage there. Adam has wanted to go forever and I kept saying no because I didn't want him going to a foreign country without one of us. John said he would go. He also said I couldn't go for 2 reasons. #1 I would be too far from medical help if anaphylaxis hit again. #2 He fears I would come home with a suitcase full of wee orphaned children. Smart man. So if you don't mind, please pray for Adam and John as they prepare for this grand adventure.
This week we will be celebrating 26 years of marriage. Because of the status of life right now, we are going to escape to an Irish community a few hours north of here soon. We plan to soak up some Irish atmosphere until we can get there for real next spring. As you can imagine I'm pumped and ready to go.
And before I stop babbling, let me share something Janice shared with me last Saturday. She was reading a devotional book. The topic was what to say when someone says "How are you?" We normally say things like "Fine" and "OK". The author's suggestion was to say "I'm thankful". Isn't that awesome! Right now, I'm not fine or ok, but I am thankful.
I sure miss my friend.
In case you were wondering, NO you cannot get a few minutes extra sleep when there are 2 small dogs in your bed growling as they protect their chew sticks from the 1 large dog who is running (literally running) around in the bed with a plastic water bottle in her mouth...not even if you have a king sized bed.
Tori the wonderdog aka "the granddog" is visiting with her grandparents, Uncle Adam and her furry Uncles, Harry and Zeus. The granddog is lively. She is much more lively than her senior citizen furry uncles.
She likes to run A LOT. She likes to play A LOT. She likes to chew A LOT. She likes to give you kisses A LOT. She eats A LOT. She drinks A LOT. She likes A LOT of toys. (Detecting a pattern here) Middle aged grandparents with a 7 month old granddog is an interesting combination, especially when the jealous senior citizen dog Zeus wants to be held all the time. I think he is afraid that his place as "Mommy's baby" is at risk.
I will be going back to praise team practice tonight. It will be the first time for singing since my friend went to rest with Jesus. Yes, I'm a bit nervous that my emotions will get the best of me, but I felt a strong pull to get back "in the saddle" so to speak.
Which reminds me, many people have asked about my recorded version of "The Rose" which was played at Angie's service. Here is the story on that. Ronnie and I began to think about the service in the week prior to Angie going home to rest in Jesus. We talked about this idea and that, with our goal that the service would be representative of Angie's life. We decided to have the children of 7Mile sing some songs since Angie has devoted at least 2 decades of her life to teaching the children at 7Mile. She also sang with the praise team at 7Mile, so we asked the praise team to lead the congregation in 2 songs.
Ronnie texted me after I got home from their house on Friday night, Feb. 1. The text said "Can you sing "The Rose" or get someone who can for the service." I sang this song when they got married in Sept. 1985. I'm notorious for failing at singing when my emotions get high. It's awful. So after talking about it with John, we decided I would record it.
So after a long day of being with Angie as she continued to fade and a long day of being with friends who had come to visit with her, John and I went to the church. Let me also say that during supper that night, I ate some pinto beans which had been mixed into some taco salad. I'm allergic to pintos. I know...big, fat, stupid food allergy. Anyway, I took 3 benadryl to attempt to avoid a ER visit. It was successful but I was groggy.
I was able to record "The Rose" without any meltdown. I think the benadryl helped. After listening to it several times, John suggested the song needed harmony. So he recorded me singing the harmony and put the tracs together. The end result was me singing harmony with me. Kind of neat huh?
After recording, John burned a CD and we took it back to the house late on Saturday night and played it for her. We also had some other songs already recorded so we put a few of those on the CD as well. It does my heart good to know that she was able to hear the song. I sang it for her.
At the service, Ronnie said that that "The Rose" would be played as we exited the building. He said their life together began with that song and it would end with that song. Breaks my heart, but so glad that I was able to do it Thanks to everyone who have had such kind words to say about the recording.
Now for the question everyone asks: "How are you?"
What I say: "I'm fine. It will get better."
What I mean: "My friend died I still can't believe she is not in a place where I can go see her. I'm lost, lonely and so deeply sad. I'm trying to figure out how to live this new normal. Please be patient with me, I tend to be quiet and reclusive these days. But, it will get better."
What I don't mean: "Please ask me lots and lots of questions about how I'm doing."
Have a blessed Wednesday. Oh and "Happy Birthday Tricia!"
I am a traveling girl. I love to go and do and see and be. I feel most settled when there is a trip on the calendar that I can work toward. Perhaps that's why dreaming of heaven soothes me so. I know I'm going. Jesus has saved my soul and I live for Him. Not perfectly, but if I could do it perfectly, I wouldn't have needed Jesus. I don't know when my heavenly trip with happen, but I know it's coming. I wish it could come soon.....Back to earthly travel....I adore having a lovely trip on the calendar so I can anticipate, plan and save.
This past 14 months has put me in a place I never dreamed I'd be. I feel fairly strong spiritually, but emotionally and physically I'm drained. I'm learning how to live in this new normal without my friend. Quite honestly, it took me a long time to accept the new normal of my friend living with cancer. But now so soon, to live without her in the wake of cancer....I'll just admit it...my boat is rocking and I'm searching for calmer waters to set my anchor.
My heart is called to and soothed by my Celtic homelands. Being in Ireland and/or Scotland just does something magical to my heart, mind and body. My connection to those lands is so strong I'm sure you can see it, hear it and feel it when you are around me.
Soooo....as of today we are planning a trip to Ireland and Scotland (including a pilgrimage to Iona, a visit to Ramsey castle, time in Derrykeighan and a deep cleansing breath at the Giant's Causeway) in late spring, early summer 2014.
My shoulders relaxed and I breathed deeply for the first time in 14 months today. My grief is fresh and new and will continue on it's long, torturous journey, BUT there is something beautiful just on the horizon for me to focus on.
If you need a wee smile, just spend a few minutes with my granddog Tori. Smiling hasn't been easy for a while now, but when this crazy, long legged girl with the most beautiful under bite comes flopping into your lap, you just have to smile and laugh out loud...a lot.
She loves you HARD. I have the bruised arms to prove it. She's a big girl who believes in her little brain that she is the size of a lap dog. She LOVES all of us but she ADORES John and she worships John David. She is a precious, very high maintenance girl, who's Grandmommy LOVES her.
We went to Cole's season opener baseball game last night. They won big, but it was COLD and the wind was ridiculous. Being at his game without Angie is beyond weird and sad. But it was nice to sit with friends and family and enjoy the night, even reliving some priceless Angie moments.
I miss my friend more than I ever thought I would. I knew it would be bad, but I didn't realize I'd live out Psalms 42. But the good news is that just as Psalms 42 describes your tears becoming your food, it also reminds me that even in this "I will yet praise Him". Grief is a lonely, very personal journey. But, I have faith God will use it to make us all better,stronger followers of Christ.
- Two weeks ago this morning during the wee wee hours, my friend left this world to rest in Jesus.
- One month from yesterday is St. Patrick's Day.
- Several people told me to go to the cemetery and talk to Angie. "It will help" they said. So I went. I cried a lot and I'm so weary of the tears. I've cried every day since her diagnosis. I think she would want me to stop crying. I tried to talk to her at the cemetery but I felt silly. I felt like I was talking to the dirt. I didn't find comfort. I wish it was comforting because then I could have a physical place to go. But alas, it did not help. I did however find myself annoyed by the dying flowers. So I asked Ronnie if I can remove the dying arrangements. He said yes.
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- Here is some wisdom God just gave me. Angie and I were able to maintain the relationship we had for so many years because we respected each other's space. We didn't HAVE to be together all the time. Sometimes when we were together, we didn't talk at all. We were just there...together. She liked going to the quiet monastery with me because we could be together in silence together...loving each other...within a comfortable space...together....but separate. That is a rare combination. We never hovered. One day after we knew the cancer wasn't going away without a miracle, I told her "I feel the need to hover." She said "Go ahead....hover." That is when I officially knew it was bad.
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- My granddog is coming to stay a few days with us. Tori the wonderdog is arriving soon. That should liven things up a wee bit.
At our house, St. Patrick's Day decorations go up the day after Valentine's Day. I'm not in the decorating mood. My heart hurts, I'm so sad and I'd prefer to just crawl in a hole and weep by myself. I'm a loner in grief I've discovered. All my emotions are raw. I cry at the drop of a hat. My friend is gone and I still can't believe it. Seriously can't believe it. I feel as if I'm watching a bad horror film and at any minute she is going to burst through the door and say "SURPRISE, It was a bad joke. Sorry."
But the true is "it is what it is". My best friend, my right arm is not coming back and I have to figure out how to do this.
One day at a time....
So today I am doing something normal. I'm decorating for St. Patrick's Day.
Doesn't everyone put up a St. Patrick's Day tree, garland, wreaths and lights?
I miss my friend.
I haven't written anything in a long time. My heart is hurting.
At 3:17am on Monday, February 4, 2013, my friend Angie "slipped the surely bonds of earth to touch the face of God."
She fought the good fight. She kept the faith.
Our last 3 weeks with her were a whirlwind of emotions as we watched her fade right before our eyes.
One week ago today, we laid the body of my best friend into the ground to await the trumpet call when the dead in Christ will rise. I promised her that I would stay with her to the end and I did. I left her house a few hours before she slipped away, but I stayed at the graveside until the last shovel of dirt was laid. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I promised.
During those last precious days, when I would first go into her bedroom, I always told her I loved her. And when I would leave, I would always tell her I loved her. I wanted so frantically to make sure she understood just how much I treasured her.
I read scripture, mostly the Psalms to her. I read every prayer I could find that would give us comfort. We prayed over and over and over. We sang. Well, I sang while she listened and sang in her heart. For a few days, she would actually mouth the words with me sometimes. I sang every song I could think of, but the song she seemed to relax to the most was "Softly and Tenderly". I could literally see a change in her breathing and the struggle when I sang
"Come home....come home...ye are are weary come home. Earnestly, tenderly Jesus is calling, calling O Angie, come home."
When I realized how much it relaxed her for me to sing that song, I sang it as much as I could with her. Many times I got as close to her as I could and sang a whisper into her ear. I have experienced many holy, sacred moments in my lifetime, but none compares to singing with my friend as she got closer and closer to seeing the angels of glory escort her into eternity.
On November 30, 1980 I became a born again Christian, child of the King. The song that was sung the morning I gave my life to Christ, was "Softly and Tenderly." In the last few days and hours of Angie's life, it became a victory song to remind her that we would all be ok and that her boys would be taken care of. But more importantly, the song called her home...her eternal home.
I've learned so much as we've walked this journey called cancer. I want to chronicle it so that her future grandchildren will know just how marvelous she was. And I will post some of that.
But for now....I miss my friend.
