After thinking about Mary for most of my life, this year it dawned on me that if she was as young as they say when Jesus was born, then she was about my age when Jesus was crucified.
The day I realized that, it hit me like a sucker punch in the gut. I immediately when into that mental place where I stood as Mary watching one of my own precious sons being assaulted and killed. Noooooooooooo!
I just recently started my own personal study of this woman who has captured my imagination for many years. Mary was the one chosen to care for our KING from the point of conception. Her womb considered worthy of holding the first flicker of life that would become "Immanuel". Her body fed God as he grew. Her hands loved God as He matured into a man. Her heart loved God as He walked the path set out before Him. Did she really know the depth of who He was? I have no idea.
But this I do know. As a mother, she loved that baby from the moment she knew he was there. She prayed over that wee life as it grew inside of her. She felt her heart spill over into her body when she laid eyes on him for the first time. She begged God's protection for this child. The would sit and watch him play and wonder at the beauty of this little creature that God gave her to care for. She hurt when he hurt. She kissed boo boos. She laid her hand on his chest when he was soundly sleeping just to make sure he was still breathing. She cleaned up after him.
Why do I know these things? Because I am a mother. I am a mother of sons. In honor of the love God has for me, I gave my heart way to my baby boys. Just as Mary did.
When I let my mind slip into hers as her baby boy as charged, judged, beatened, scorned, nailed to the cross, left to die....my soul can barely hold the hurt in my soul for her.
On Saturday during the week Jesus was crucified, the followers must have been deep in grief and pain. He was gone. He was dead. What happened to our Lord? They must have been so confused and hurt. Even though, He had prepared them, they still did not understand. Just was we do not fully understand the depth of the love and the miracle that was coming.
Tomorrow we celebrate the miracle of resurrection! We rejoice in his coming forth from the grave to BE OUR RISEN KING!
But today, today the world waits in anguish for what happened to Him because of.....my sin....your sin....our sin.
Today, I walk with Mary's bruised heart in my chest.
If you pray the Liturgy of Hours each day, you read Mary's "Magnificant" each night. Because I've spent so much time in that scripture, it speaks to me very deeply.
”My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit
rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked on the humble estate of his
servant. For behold, from now on all generations will call me
blessed; for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is
his name. And his mercy is for those who fear him from generation to
generation. He has shown strength with his arm; he has scattered the proud in
the thoughts of their hearts; he has brought down the mighty from their
thrones and exalted those of humble estate; he has filled the hungry
with good things, and the rich he has sent away empty. He has helped his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy, as
he spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to his offspring forever.” Luke
1:46-55
The St. Patrick's Day decorations are all finally down, packed and stored. Yes friends, that poor Scot/Irish family themed tree that has been up in my dining room since late November is now down.
If you are following along with scripture as you dwell deeply in the sacrifice of Jesus, today is considered Holy Thursday. This would have been the day Jesus met with the disciples and had the first "Lord's Supper". The fact that Jesus stopped to wash their feet during this most holy evening, is the part that baffles me the most. He even washed the feet of Judas, the unholy soul who betrayed Him.
Here is the Son of GOD washing the feet of the ones who were struggling tofollow Him. HE was serving them, even the most unholy among them. Makes no logical sense does it?Even within the context of God's love, it still makes no human sense.Those simple men wanted to follow Jesus, but their earth sized brains couldn't understand His eternal sized vision.
The only way I can even begin to understand the love of God is to examine the love I have for my children. I tell them I love them to the moon and back...and I do. I hurt when they hurt. My heart breaks when I watch them struggle and there is nothing I can do to fix it. When they celebrate a victory in life, my joy overflows.
The best gift I got for my birthday this year was a surprise visit from John David. He drove from school and walked into the doors at church on Wednesday night holding a present. I wasn't the present that excited me, IT WAS HIM. As a parent, having a child openly express their love for you is the ultimate gift. When I saw my child walk in the door unexpectedly to express love to me, my soul just sighed.
But when I look at what God did for us. I'm just simply baffled. I couldn't do it. He looked at all His other children, even the ones that hadn't been born yet and said, "Yes, they are worth it. They are worth the death of this one, this only begotten Son of Mine."
I could not send one of my boys to death to save the other one. I couldn't choose. I could not send one of my boys to torture and hatred to save the other, let alone the world?!I canNOT fathom that sacrifice. My mind can't even dwell there for long or my hearthurts so deeply that I can't take it.
But for me, God did just that.
And Jesus said, "Thy will be done."
Amazing love. It makes no sense.
Tonight I plan to go to a Holy Thursday service. It will be a first for me. I feel the need this year to saturate myself in as many holy opportunities as possible. I want every Thursday to be holy. I want every random Monday and Tuesday to be holy. I want to live holy even though my earth sized brain can't understand His eternal sized vision.
There are some of you who read my blog who profess to love God and worship Jesus, but you don't go to church. For me, that too makes no sense. It's your life and you can do whatever you want, but consider this. That would be like loving your parents, but never expressing it to them. Imagine Mother's Day or Father's Day without holding the love of a parent close in your heart. That would be like loving your children, yet never gathering them in your arms and loving on them. Imagine if when John David walked in the door to celebrate my birthday with me, I said "I know it would be nice to hug you and tell you I love you, but instead I'm going to do something else. See ya. Everyone KNOWS I love you. You know I love you. That's enough. I don't have to do something special to show it."
Just imagining that scene makes me sick to my stomach. NOOOOO! I want to express my love to my parents! I adore telling them I love them. I want to tell my children I love them over and over and over. Dear God knows my heart just about bursts with love for them. I want them to KNOW and FEEL my love.
Did John David have to come see me for my birthday? No. And I would love him just the same. But what joy, what utter giddy happiness pulsed through my body just seeing him walk through the door to tell me he loves me! And even my precious John David received a blessing too. He got to see his Momma do the happy dance of "There's my boy!"
This Sunday you can walk through the doors at a place of Godly worship and hug your Father. Surprise Him. You can sing His praises. You can thank Him. You can honor Him. You can worship Him. You can sit silently and adore Him. And then guess what? You can do it all over again the next week. Even the next day! You can turn each and every day into Holy Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday AND Sunday. All you have to do is get up each and every day and claim it as a day you will express your love of God. It's really that simple.
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that WHOSOEVER believes in Him, will not perish, but have everlasting life."
That "whosoever" is you.
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I'm a part of a pray group that is organized on the island of Iona Scotland. Today I received the latest prayer list. It's 13 pages long. The needs are from all over the world. God's people need us to lift them up to our Father, to breath in deeply His grace and serve His people.
In the newsletter that opens the list, the writer shares that snow is falling in Scotland. It's been a tough winter all over the world it seems. A woman who is grieving the loss of her son wrote this: “The
snow came again last night….like it often does here through the winter.
It’s that time of year when we have a few days of thawing and dream of spring,
and then winter comes again and again…sometimes with a fierceness that makes me
think it will never end. It’s kind of like grief….just when I think I am
through the worst of it, it comes again with a fierceness that keeps me awake.”
For those of us suffering through grief, no matter how new or old the wound is, we need God's healing.
Last year on my birthday, the last birthday I spent with my best friend, Angie bought me the book "One Thousand Gifts". That book means a lot to me for many reasons. When she handed me that book, I had no idea, truly no idea that it would be my last birthday with my friend.
Oblate? What is that? That was the question I asked my friend Tracey when she said she was in the process of becoming an oblate. She mentioned it briefly on a late summer afternoon as we walked from theAbbey to our hotel on the island of Iona, Scotland after evening prayers.
I didn't think much about it anymore until we got home and the word oblate kept coming to me in various ways. Studying about prayer, emails, letters, facebook posts, etc. When something returns to you time and time again, some folks call that a "sacred echo". God is trying to tell you something. He did this with me about several things. "Be Still", "Listen", "Silence". Yep, hammered me about those wee topics.
I've been visiting the monastery at Sacred Heart inCullman for several years. One day after a doctor's appointment in Birmingham, I was weary, confused and drained. I ended up stopped at Sacred Heart to pray. I really didn't even know I was headed toward the monastery. Just kind of ended up there.
The first time there, I felt kind of awkward. I mean seriously....born and raised CoC girl hanging out in a monastery. Weirdo. No member of the community had invited me. I had just felt the tug from God to go visit.
I didn't go inside on that first, second or even third visit if I'm remembering correctly. I just walked the grounds and prayed. Just me and God. God seemed very near in that "thin place" type atmosphere. One sweet sister passed me on the walkway to the sister's cemetery on my third visit. "I've seen you here on the grounds before. May I help you with something?"
I told her my story about how I found the place. I told her I was in a confusing place physically and spiritually. I didn't know what God was doing in my life. I felt so bad physically due to my illness and it was hindering my spiritual life. She invited me in and said "Just walk around. Breath in the peace. We've been praying here for over 100 years." And that's how my little monastic adventure began.
After slurping up the ancient monastic atmosphere on Iona, I was caught, as they say, hook, line and sinker. I feel the breath of God sweep over me in that atmosphere. I adore being in places where God has dwelt with His people so closely for many, many years. On Iona over a thousand years and at Sacred Heart over a 100 years. Mind. blown.
So after being at the monastery time and time again, I did a little more digging into that word that Tracey shared with me.
Oblate. Strange word with a beautiful meaning. Oblate means offering. Through oblation we offer ourselves to God by living the wisdom of Christ as interpreted by St. Benedict.
Long, long ago, St. Benedict wrote a set of guidelines based on scripture for his monastery to live together prayerfully and in harmony with one another focusing on prayer and work "Ora et Labora". This set of guidelines has become known as "The Rule". It's a beautiful, Godly document that seeks to live "the word" through prayer and daily work. Simple huh? Not really.
As in all things, our human nature tries to rear it's ugly head and take away our offering to God by making us full of pride by putting ourselves above others and never seeking to communicate with God. "The Rule" is an effort to draw you back to the word, think of others over yourself and seek much time in prayer to God. MUCH prayer.
Oblates do not make vowslikenuns and monks. Instead, oblates make commitments to live as closely to Christ as they can in our communities, the work place and in our homes. Oblates do not live at the monastery, but instead worship, learn and work with the monastery in order to spread "Ora et Labora" in their own churches, families and workplaces. Though they remain laypeople, they share a beautiful, prayerful, spiritual union with their monastic community.
Oblates commit to prayer with and for the monastic community. And the monastic community commits to prayers for and with the oblates. Official prayer partners so to speak.
As an oblate, one strives to pray the Litury of Hours every day (Morning and Evening Prayers) and also pray with scriptures in the practice of Lectio Divinia (divine reading).
So I'm announcing to the world, I'm going through the oblation process. I started officially last fall. I go through an "inquiry" year of learning and praying. Then I will go through a novice year of additional learning and praying. Finally, I offer myself to the monastic community as a prayer warrior. They are serious about preparing you for prayer journey.
I haven't told a lot of people before because well.....it's a very personal decision that I realize some people will think is odd. It's private. I'm not doing it for anyone except for God. I want to do as much as I can to learn to serve and communicate with Him more deeply. I am so thirsty for time with God. And I figure if I'm going to hang out down there so much, I might as well be a domestic nun :) (That's my words, not theirs!)
Here is a poem written by the Oblate Director at Sacred Heart. Her name is Sister Priscilla Cohen.
The Gift of a Monastic Heart
O God, I know you have blessed me with a monastic heart, a heart that thirsts for your generous love and deeper relationship.
A heart that truly wants to sing your Mystery in prayer and action
A heart that wants to reflect your generous spirit to all
A heart that wants to see your face in all those I meet
A heart that MUST believe that you show me the way to the narrow road I believe in, the road I know I MUST stay on with you and my community day after day after day NO MATTER WHAT!
I do not, in any way, want you to assume that I believe everyone should do this. I don't. It's a very personal calling of the heart. I also don't want you to assume that I am becoming a Catholic. I am not. But I am learning from them, as I hope they are learning from me too. Don't assume I agree with them on everything they practice and teach. I don't. I am a grown woman (old by some standards) who has the ability to discern for myself after much study and prayer. But also don't assume I agree with everything the churches of Christ teach, the Methodist, the Baptist, theEpiscopals, the Presbyterians.....you get my drift. I believe in the Holy Word of God and I'm thankful God gave me a brain that can read and think and make decisions on my own based on where the Spirit of God leads me after soaking up as much of His word as I can absorb. Am I right on everything? No. But God knows my heart and He alone is to judge me.
I think one of the most marvelous things about being in my late 40s is that I really have lost my ability to "spin cycles" over people who don't agree with me. I'm old enough to say, "Well ok. God bless you in your journey."
I am an unashamed Christian, aseeker, a follower of my sweet Jesus. Nothing more. Nothing less. I am a child of the God of this universe. And He loves me more than I love Him. He loves me more than Angie loved ice cream. :) And that says a lot.
Sooooo.....you are welcome to come with me on my little monastic adventure via my blog. Feel free to ask me questions if you are interested. Honestly I may not know the answers, but you can be sure I'll do my best to find answers.
